Without Him
by MyWords-MySolace
Summary: YaoiShonenai YxY Yugi's left alone with his sorrow after Yami leaves for the afterlife. Yugi's POV.


Kumori: Okay, here it is. I'd been trying to get some inspiration for a one shot when, one night, this little doozy popped into my head.

Kagayami: It's true. She's started writing it at one in the morning and then would get freakish bursts of ideas and rush to the computer to write like a mad woman again.

Kumori: Yeah, I'm weird like that…but anyway, this story is dedicated to John Toews, who passed away only a few months ago. He was my crush and yet was dating my friend. I desperately wanted him and was pretty much hiding my feelings twenty four seven.

Kagayami: Perhaps it was all in her head, but Kumori felt a connection. However, the two lovebirds were inseparable, and it seemed inevitable that Kumori and John would never be.

Kumori: But before I got a chance to tell him anything he became gravely ill with Mono and died of Meningitis. His life, sadly, was cut short at the age of 15.

Kagayami: Sorry for the little story/rant there, people. Just thought it'd be good for you to understand where this story is coming from and understand why it was written. This is, in no way, a plea for sympathy.

Kumori: Also, some parts of this story hit _very_ close to home. It's an attempt for me to get some feelings off of my chest, honour his memory, and give you all something to read as well. There you go. A triple threat.

Kagayami: Hope this works. This issue has gotten even more complicated over the last few months and hopefully, this'll help.

Kumori: I'm just going to post a little paragraph in John's honour (which you don't have to read if you don't want to…it's just for my peace of mind) and then the one shot begins. Enjoy.

_**In memory of John Toews**_

I miss you, John. We all do. You were a wonderful friend, an honourable athlete, and an all around good person. I don't think I'll ever understand why you were taken from us…from me. I know that sounds selfish…please forgive me for that. Just know that I miss you, and that I'm sorry I never got a chance to go to the Ministry concert with you…or to see you one last time. I hope you're listening when I say that I love you…I always did. And I always will. I wish I had told you that when I still could. Rest in peace, John. I miss you.

**LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE**

I'm thinking about him again. I try not to, I really do, but it seems inevitable that my thoughts stray constantly back to him. Ra, I'm a mess.

Outside, the world seems at peace. It's twilight, the day's sunlight fading into magnificent hues of rose and violet. It's warm and breezy, almost the perfect day.

But I can't feel it. I haven't felt anything in such a long time. Not since he left.

Yami…

I know his name is Atemu, and I used to scold myself for calling him by a false name that I created. But I've long since given up on that. Atemu is an ancient pharaoh, dead thousands of years ago. I didn't know him. My other's name was Yami. That was how I knew him, and that's who I fell in love with.

Ah, there it is. My dirty little secret. He was my yami, my friend, my protector…is it unfair of me to admit that I wanted more from him? He'd done so much for me, and yet I desired only one thing from him.

His heart.

I still do want that, but I suppose that's a hopeless fantasy. He's gone now.

I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes, but it's a sensation I'm well used to. Two months since he left, and I've cried each and every day. I can't help it.

I used to wonder how Yami could've been so distraught when I sacrificed my soul for him after he fought Raferu (A/N: Raphael). From what I can tell, he cried openly, something I can't imagine him doing. I just couldn't comprehend how my being gone could affect him so much. But now, I think, I understand completely.

I lost half of myself. That's an indescribable pain. I feel incomplete…empty. I understand, now, how he must have felt in that ravine, duelling for both my and his fates. He'd lost me just as I've lost him.

Only…I've lost so much more.

I lost the other half of my soul _and_ of my heart. I'm so…vacant. I wish I could describe it better, but really I can't. Half of me is missing, and the half that's left feels nothing but sorrow and regret.

I'm crying hard, now, my knees drawn up to my chest in a Fetal position. I've shed so many tears already, but they don't seem to stop. They're endless, refusing to halt. I don't know what I can do to stop feeling like this.

I've tried. Ra knows I've tried. I've tried to live my life and I've tried to get over him. I even tried dating Anzu for a while, just because I know he would've been happy. But it all feels so wrong without him. Anzu broke it off with me after only a week. She said I was "acting like a bloody catatonic" or something along those lines.

Not that I can blame her. He's constantly plaguing my mind. I don't think I remember one word anyone has said to me these past few months, least of all what she said. My heart was elsewhere, and she knew it. I'm happy for her now. She's in New York, at her dream dance school.

Actually, everybody seems to have moved on. Jonouchi, though almost too hard to believe, is engaged (ENGAGED!) to Seto Kaiba (TO KAIBA!). Otogi's business is booming, with the help of his new business partner (and lover) Honda. Yeah, that one was a shocker, too.

Mai's fast becoming one of the best duellists in Japan, along with her new girlfriend, Shizuka. Ryou's working at my grandfather's shop to help pay the rent at his and Malik's apartment. Their wedding is scheduled for next year sometime, when they can save up enough.

And then there's me. I'm just…stuck here. I'm working at grandfather's shop and going to University for an Egyptology course, but my life is lack lustre. I go to school, go to work, eat, sleep, and stay in my room. I barely say a word to anyone and spend most of my time brooding, lost in my own apocalypse.

He won't leave me alone. Everyone is moving on, happy and healthy while I sit here and deteriorate night after night. I can't push him away from me. I miss his constant calming presence in my head and his fierce crimson eyes. I'd give anything to see those eyes again.

The others worry about me. I know they do. I can see it in their eyes. They can see right through my fake smiles. Hey, what can I say? I was never a good liar.

They try so hard to cheer me up. They've done everything…parties, blind date set-ups, and even an intervention of sorts. They cornered me in the living room and we all sat there for hours, them trying to coax out my feelings.

Needless to say, they weren't successful. Ryou and Malik especially tried to reason with me; tried to identify with me because they, too, had lost their other halves.

But it's not the same with them. Bakura was a controlling slave driver…Ryou was nothing to him and, though Ryou has never admitted it, I can see that he truly hated his yami. Ever since the tomb robber has been destroyed, he's been so much more confident and…happy. And Malik is no better. He, himself, banished his darker half, and I can see the light confidence in his eyes. They both lost their yami's…but in doing so, they gained new lives. They lost their restraints; lost what was keeping them down.

How can I identify with that? They gained life when they shed their darkness, and I lost life. They were happy to crush their other halves, happy to let their light shine through. But I…

I'm different from them. Their darkness was oppressing and over shadowing. The dark outweighed the light, and so to lose the darkness gave the light a chance to grow and blossom. The loss of Bakura and Marik actually lightened Ryou and Malik. But with me and Yami, light and dark were equal. We were yin and yang, equality perfectly balanced. When Yami left, my equilibrium was thrown off. Isis feared that my balance would be completely toppled…that my light would plummet into darkness and I would become the opposite of everything I was in an attempt to fill the shadowy space that my yami once occupied inside me.

But she was wrong. Light without darkness does not become shadow…it just fades away into nothing. I'm not darkness…but my light is gone. I'm just…grey. Vacancy. Pure and untainted self-loathing and pain.

But you know what really kills me? I love him so much and he'll never know. I had the chance to tell him before he left, and I didn't. Just before our connection cut off, just before he stepped through that door of pure light, I whispered to him through our mindlink. 'Yami…I…I…'

I swear I can almost hear his response in my head, now. 'What is it, aibou?'

I should've told him. I should have…to save myself all this heartache…but I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to. I don't know why…maybe it was the prospect of his last thought of me being disgust, or maybe it was just fear of rejection. Whatever it was, I managed only to choke out one last phrase before I felt the link give way. 'I'll miss you…'

I couldn't bring myself to watch him leave. Seeing his retreating back was not something I wanted to remember, and so I shut my eyes tight as the gateway closed.

I should've told him. I could have handled rejection, but this regret is almost too much for me. It's times like these that I need him. I need his comforting touch and warm smile. I need his spicy scent and caring, baritone voice.

But I'm alone. My tears have stopped…I suppose there's none left. But I'm still sobbing, curled up with my body heaving.

I know I'm being selfish, but I want him back. I know he deserves his rest and eternity in the afterlife, but I want him back. I want him here with me, and it's not fair,

But…I want him to be happy. And by winning that duel, I did that.

Oh, here I go again. Contradicting myself. I've been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. Who knows? Maybe I am. Half the time I can barely understand what's going on in my own head.

I'm getting dizzy. My wracking sobs have made me light-headed. It's times like these I miss my soul room. I miss being able to retreat there and leave my physical cares behind. It was a place of ease and warmth…and comfort in the knowledge that Yami was always just across the hall from me.

But I haven't been in my soul room for two months. My ability to draw into my mind was taken away with the puzzle. For all I know, it doesn't exist anymore and was obliterated with the Sennen items.

Well there's a dismal thought. My soul has been obliterated. It doesn't feel too far from the truth. I've been tormented by bullies, shunned by my entire school, captured and tortured by three different enemies on three different occasions…but this is the first time I've felt absolutely broken beyond repair. Every fibre of my being has given up on life. Without Yami, what's the point?

Ironic, isn't it? Yami, my darkness, was actually the light of my life.

I swear I can hear him laughing sometimes. I see him in the mirror, hear him in my head. He's like a phantom, haunting me to no end. I know he's gone…I know. But my mind seems to like playing cruel tricks on me.

Sometimes I wonder if he misses me, too. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. But those trains of thought lead nowhere. Even if I do cross his mind, what does he remember of me? His light, his vessel, his aibou…his friend.

There it is. That word. I hate it. _Friend._ There was a time when I would've killed to hear that word directed at me. I remember the first time I heard it, when Anzu befriended me. I was ecstatic. And then when Jonouchi came into my life, along with Honda. All of the sudden I was making friends left and right and I was elated. Then Yami began to actually speak to me. I remember when he called me his friend…I was overjoyed, just to hear him say it.

But slowly, as time moved on, the word began to lose its meaning when it came to my darkness. I felt incomplete when he referred to me as his "friend." I wanted more than that. But I couldn't understand what more…what was wrong with me? What more did I want?

It wasn't until the end of Battle City that I finally understood it…I wanted to be his boyfriend. His Koibito. His lover. From then on, the word "friend" angered me. It seemed the only relationship Yami was interested in.

But what was a hikari to do? It's not easy to risk rejection from the person who's occupying your mind twenty four seven. I just couldn't get the words out right. I couldn't send the right signs. My heart knew exactly what to say, but it seemed that the message couldn't be properly sent to my mouth.

I was weak, I suppose. And I still am.

"I love you."

It doesn't seem so hard to say. But I couldn't do it…and I still can't. Even after all this time, I haven't said it out loud.

"Yami, I love you."

I will my mouth to form the words, but I guess a part of me is worried that he's listening in some corner of the Underworld. Cowardly, I know, that even after he's gone, I care what his reaction will be. Regardless, the only sounds I'm emitting are strangled sobs and whimpers.

I was a fool to think he'd ever love someone like me. How could he? He was, in all respects, a better form of me. Who could love a weaker version of themselves? He was stronger, more confident, smarter, more attractive…everything I wasn't. Everything I'm not.

I'm weak. Look at me. Curled up and crying like a child. I'm sure, had our roles been switched, he would've been able to rise above this pain by now. He'd be out and about, living his life.

But I'm still stuck here, unable to get over him. Of course he could never love me.

I'm weak.

I'm pathetic.

Finally, urging my whimpers to stop, I roll over and shut off my lamp, dousing the room in darkness. Without bothering with pyjamas or blankets, close my eyes to at least try to get some sleep.

Weak.

Pathetic.

Cowardly.

I let out a small sigh. If only to shut myself up and get my dismal train of thought to pause so I can try to rest (although that rarely happens), I whisper one lat phrase before I drift off into dreams of the one I can never have.

"Yami…I love you."

**LINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINELINE**

Kumori: There you go, people. I hope you enjoyed it.

Kagayami: Please review to let her know what you thought.

Kumori: I hope you all liked it…it took a lot of time and tears to write it.

Kagayami: Aww…there, there. : Pats Kumori on shoulder : And for once, I don't mean that with any sarcasm.

Kumori: That's appreciated.

Oh, and if you'd like a second chapter, leave it in a review. If enough people ask for it, I'll write a second part and make it a two shot with a happy ending. Or, if you prefer, I can make it a three shot with the second chapter in Yami's POV and the third a happy ending. Tell me what you want people! I'll only do these things if you ask me…this was originally intended to be a one shot, but if you really want more…


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